My response to the recent health-laced backlash against Chipotle

Admission: I am a Chipotle stock shareholder. But I’m a Chipotle fan/patron first (the kind that has to alternate between three local Chipotle stores and still suffer the embarrassment of being teased for always ordering the same items/toppings– Fajitas, no beans; get that sour cream and cheese away from my bowl) before I am the aforementioned.

Anyways, in some recent article, a Taco Bell burrito was credited as having far less calories and fat than its Chipotle counterpart. No shit, Sherlock. First of all– to invoke rocket science, size matters. So, if the latter is at least 3x bigger….well, more is more. Let’s also note that Tacquerio Bella does not usually include rice. So, uhm, you aren’t comparing apples to apples.

Some more rocket science: There are ways to eat at Chipotle 4-5x a week and be its version of the Jared Fogle [Subway spokesman known for his very effective sandwich-diet>weight loss]. Example: Opt for the bowl and not the burrito. Thank god, I hate cheese and sour cream and many dairy products to the point I’d rather probably eat dandelions or nail cuticles. Example: Sofritas bowl with tomato salsa, lettuce, fajita vegetables minus curdled-milk crap is UNDER 400 calories.

Replace sofritas with steak,and it’s still only 420 calories.
Let’s keep upping the ante. Add beans to the steak bowl and you have a meal intake of low 500’s. Yo, you still have enough caloric allowance left over for a few glasses of Souvignon Blanc and a bag ol’ chips.

At the end of day, it’s all about the personal choice you make at the cashier counter. (I mean, even McDonald’s was voted into one of top ten healthiest choice restaurants. While the merit in such a nomination is debatable, it does make sense on some level– given its Yogurt Parfait or other sundries.)

So to parlay back into my epicurean and monetary investment, don’t be that typical-Americano, fatty ignoramus– ya know, the kind that loads up the Vinagrette on his/her Caesar salad (and it might as well, at this point, be my college-version, meat-chili salad) or suck up some fruity-tooty, half-a pound shake.

Make love to me, Burritoful. (Hi…meow.)

P.S.  If some lover wants to lavish me ….think, Chipotle gift card (I’m talking enough injected into card for at least half a year’s worth). (Forgivable substitutes are as follows: robo-cleaner, customized closet-shelving system, or all-expensed trip to [‘Am I sure I didn’t die and go to heaven?”] Banyang Tree Lijiang.)